I got really wrapped up in the recent presidential election and had high hopes of some exciting changes happening if Mitt Romney won. I spent a lot of time and emotional/mental energy following the issues and listening to the arguments on both sides and developing my positions, and when I felt it start to unravel near the end I got really frustrated because I felt like my voice was not being represented. I came out of that experience thinking I somehow needed to figure out how to communicate better and to be more willing to speak out for what I believe. I am surrounded by so many talented people and it is easy for me to discount my contribution on the content side in favor for my contribution behind the scenes. I do not seek the spotlight ever, however it was really hard to watch that election come and go and feel unnoticed. So here goes...
I am a 36-year-old stay-at-home mother of 5. I work full-time from home in a male-dominated field as a software engineer for a liberal-leaning, socially conscious and politically correct company in Silicon Valley. My husband, to whom I've been married for 15 years, is a record producer and a musician and we are both very active in the local artist and music community, which we find to be quite diverse and open-minded and culturally interesting, beyond just being ultra talented and inspiring. We live in Provo, Utah but come originally from Los Angeles. I'm a social and fiscal conservative. I'm an active Mormon. I am a walking contradiction.
Recently there has been a lot of talk about gender roles within our church, even going so far as several women proposing a protest where they wear pants to church on Sunday to show solidarity in support of women's rights and gender equality. A lot of it is not new. Some of it has come out more visibly since women's issues and Mormonism were such a big part of the election. But either way it is happening now and I have been confronted with the fact that this is really not my issue and it doesn't move me one way or the other, but then if that is so how can I think of myself as enlightened and open minded?
It has been very interesting to me to be close friends with Courtney while she's been going through so much introspection and self realization as she writes her life story, and also while she has been put into a position (and put herself into a position) where she is an advocate for women's rights in the church and in life in general. I respect and appreciate her thoughtful approach and her desire to think things through and discuss and consider all sides and form intelligent positions - we have thought-provoking conversations and she is always interested in my take and experience. I also appreciate her strong testimony of the gospel, her sensitivity to the Spirit, and her desire to be righteous and faithful.
She tells me about real women who write to her, and tells me about her experiences in her own past, and they talk about how they are really hurting and frustrated with their position in the church with relation to men. At first it would just make me mad and impatient. I wanted to dismiss it as something these women needed to get over and something they are imagining and projecting onto the rest of us. But she has helped me to understand that while it might not be my issue, it is a very real issue to a large number of women, and we have a responsibility as sisters in the Relief Society and as Christians to be sensitive to them and help them if we can. And moreover it is a high-visibility social issue for the church so having strong women ready to speak out on either side is important.
On an issue like this there are women who speak out and insist on change, and then there are those of us who don't. The problem is that there are actually two camps of us on the quiet side, but because we are quiet it is easy to assume we are all the same. There are some who are unenlightened and unthinking and blind followers. Perhaps they are so entrenched in and brainwashed by the male chauvinist rhetoric that they believe it themselves or at least wouldn't dare speak out against it. But there are also those of us who are so confident in our identity as valued daughters of God that the presumed inequalities and perceived injustices do not affect us - either we don't notice them because it is not our issue or if we do notice we can chalk it up to creepy individuals and not a broader problem.
Courtney would ask me what EVIDENCE do you have that you are valued at church? What do we DO to SHOW young women that they are important and valued in relation to boys? It made me feel dumb that I couldn't think of immediate answers to support my position because I hadn't spent time thinking about it before. And why hadn't I spent time thinking about it? Was I just a blind sheep following along and doing what the men tell me to do? Of course not! So surely there must be EVIDENCE but why couldn't I think of it? Anything I would mention seemed so trite and inconsequential to me.
Then it was an A-HA moment for me one day when I realized "why would it ever even occur to a woman that she's not valued or just as important as boys are to Heavenly Father" and right then and there I realized where I'd come from and why this is not my issue.
I do not look for evidence or gestures to show me that I'm important because I already KNOW that I am. It's like asking, "what evidence do you have that you're alive" and your immediate thought is "why would you ask me that, of course I know that I am alive, it's not even an interesting issue or discussion." But for someone that is very sick and near death they might spend a good deal of their time paying attention to evidence of their declining or improving health. Now that does not mean that the evidence doesn't exist for me too and when pressed I can think through experiences and opportunities I've had at church and in life that reinforce my views, just like I could do if I really needed to catalog the checklist of things that mean I am alive.
Then it was an A-HA moment for me one day when I realized "why would it ever even occur to a woman that she's not valued or just as important as boys are to Heavenly Father" and right then and there I realized where I'd come from and why this is not my issue.
I do not look for evidence or gestures to show me that I'm important because I already KNOW that I am. It's like asking, "what evidence do you have that you're alive" and your immediate thought is "why would you ask me that, of course I know that I am alive, it's not even an interesting issue or discussion." But for someone that is very sick and near death they might spend a good deal of their time paying attention to evidence of their declining or improving health. Now that does not mean that the evidence doesn't exist for me too and when pressed I can think through experiences and opportunities I've had at church and in life that reinforce my views, just like I could do if I really needed to catalog the checklist of things that mean I am alive.
I have discussed this at length with my mother and my 3 sisters, and we all share a similar position and view on these issues. It is really comforting and reassuring to have that support system to help reinforce my memories and understand my background better.
So there are two things to be mindful of going forward. 1-How did we get here so that we can ensure we are raising our daughters and teaching young women at church to get here too; and 2-What can we do for women today who are not as confident in their value or feel like they need more evidence of their value.
On the first point, my mom obviously raised us to be strong, smart, independent women, just like her. We are capable and know we can accomplish great things because we saw her do it. For better or worse we know (or at least think?!) that we can do ANYTHING and gender has never been a factor in that at all. We were always encouraged (again mostly through example) to get married and be mothers and wives, but not because that is where we would find our place or value but rather because that is the Plan of Salvation and a path to happiness and fulfillment in this life. We were taught the value of taking care of our bodies and caring about our outward appearance (heaven knows I love clothes & shoes as much as the next girl), but it was never to an undue degree where our looks were equated with our value.
One of the most valuable lessons my mom ever taught us was to "assume love" and I have realized that for me that also extends to "assume equality". With the idea that I am not loved or that I am not considered equal off the table, it frees me up to interpret and understand other peoples actions in different ways and potentially to get outside myself more and realize it's usually not even about me at all.
One of the most valuable lessons my mom ever taught us was to "assume love" and I have realized that for me that also extends to "assume equality". With the idea that I am not loved or that I am not considered equal off the table, it frees me up to interpret and understand other peoples actions in different ways and potentially to get outside myself more and realize it's usually not even about me at all.
But I hadn't always given great credit to my dad in this effort of raising strong daughters until I heard stories of alternative experiences. My dad has always loved and respected my mom publicly and privately. I can't think of a single experience in my childhood where I saw him belittle her or speak poorly of her or suggest that she was anything other than strong and capable and smart and virtuous. He showed us how a man is supposed to treat a woman, and therefore what sort of man we should each look for in a spouse and what sort of men we should raise our boys to be.
There is no doubt that he has some deep-seeded traditional views as to gender roles and at least for me part of my life experience has been to separate from that a bit and chart my own path. But even when he'd say to me "anything less than 6 kids is a waste of your talents" (sorry dad - I'm stopping at 5!) it was clear that he was not suggesting that my role as a woman was to be quiet and sit at home and have babies but rather that he recognized and valued my strength and capabilities and wanted to encourage me reach my potential. He was the one advising me in college to pursue a degree in a male-dominated field because he knew it suited me and it could provide flexibility that could be beneficial to my family in the long run (which it has). It has been eye-opening and disheartening to me to realize that not all dads were like this and not all husbands treat their wives this way. That is sad.
There is no doubt that he has some deep-seeded traditional views as to gender roles and at least for me part of my life experience has been to separate from that a bit and chart my own path. But even when he'd say to me "anything less than 6 kids is a waste of your talents" (sorry dad - I'm stopping at 5!) it was clear that he was not suggesting that my role as a woman was to be quiet and sit at home and have babies but rather that he recognized and valued my strength and capabilities and wanted to encourage me reach my potential. He was the one advising me in college to pursue a degree in a male-dominated field because he knew it suited me and it could provide flexibility that could be beneficial to my family in the long run (which it has). It has been eye-opening and disheartening to me to realize that not all dads were like this and not all husbands treat their wives this way. That is sad.
Having been grounded by this base-level understanding of my individual worth at home, all my experiences throughout my life have only served to reinforce and help develop my sense of self - from church, to school, work, friends, family, my marriage, and my roles in our home.
I have hope that as I raise my kids they will naturally understand their value because I do and that these views will be instilled in them because they are inside me. Like the home I came from, everything I do in my home is with the base-level understanding that both men and women are loved and valued children of God so that any differences we see or pursue are not coming from a place of inequality or differing value but rather practicality, convention, or divine guidance. It does not take special effort or thought or planning for me to teach these things, they just are.
It is said that the role of the church is to support families and reinforce values taught in the home and I believe on this point that it does just that. If you come from a home where you are taught that men are better than or more important or valued than women, you can certainly interpret the doctrinal structure and cultural conventions within the church as evidence of this. But if you come from a home where gender equality is not an issue, it wouldn't even occur to you that anything at church suggested that either. But problems occur in places where there is a high concentration of views on one side or the other so that it becomes more acceptable to teach and reinforce in church things that cross the line from doctrinal to cultural in an unbalanced way. (I think you could find evidence of this in both an overly chauvinistic society as well as an overly liberal area, etc.) So then in the case where you have someone come to church seeking solace from the injustices they feel at home, they will be disappointed to find the same people teaching those things at home are teaching them at church too. Or on the converse if you are someone who comes to church assuming equality but then find an over-abundance of views, teaching and treatment to the contrary, you can start to question that and wonder if the church teaches the opposite from what you'd learned at home.
So the second point above is where we're treading now. We must first recognize that this is a real issue to many women, and feel sorrow and sympathy for them as they try to make sense of their place in the church and in the world. And then we can listen and see if there are meaningful things that could be done to help them feel better. Things that don't threaten the doctrine or the divine source of the gospel. Things that are cultural or conventional that might not make a difference to us either way but could make a difference for others if they were changed. Even if many of these things wouldn't even occur to us as negative so we wouldn't have thought of the need to change them on our own, if it helps someone else to do it differently, then it should be fine with me and moreover I should be willing to actively participate in their change.
I definitely do not like the idea of protesting at church. I find it distracting and disrespectful. But I'd like to somehow get the point across that while it is not my issue, I'm sensitive to the problem and interested in helping to seek resolution. The world will be the same for me either way and better for them, so that ultimately means better for everyone all around. I think there is room for more understanding on both sides, but in particular there needs to be a recognition that not everyone on the quiet side is antagonistic to their agenda so we do not need to be viewed or treated as the small minded unenlightened.
This is why I do not like the label Feminist - not because I don't believe women are just as good as (if not better in many ways) than men and ought to be treated that way and not because I don't agree with many tenets of their beliefs - but because it is a loaded and divisive and inflammatory label. It is black and white in a very grey area - they want you to declare that you're either one or else you're not. Plus it's not even an adequately descriptive term - it still requires you to qualify what type of feminist you are or what type of equality you believe in. And this pants protest is the same way - it will be loaded and divisive and inflammatory and inadequately descriptive when the discussion doesn't need to be that way.
I am anxious and willing to be a part of the changes that will help all women realize their individual worth in the eyes of God. Even if I'm wearing a skirt.
(because really, skirts are better anyway)
This is why I do not like the label Feminist - not because I don't believe women are just as good as (if not better in many ways) than men and ought to be treated that way and not because I don't agree with many tenets of their beliefs - but because it is a loaded and divisive and inflammatory label. It is black and white in a very grey area - they want you to declare that you're either one or else you're not. Plus it's not even an adequately descriptive term - it still requires you to qualify what type of feminist you are or what type of equality you believe in. And this pants protest is the same way - it will be loaded and divisive and inflammatory and inadequately descriptive when the discussion doesn't need to be that way.
I am anxious and willing to be a part of the changes that will help all women realize their individual worth in the eyes of God. Even if I'm wearing a skirt.
(because really, skirts are better anyway)
