disappointment, an open letter

dear friends and family,
as you most likely know by now, although i am a simple man, i have the mind of a great inventor. yes, i'm sure many of you have come to think of me alongside names such as edison, ford, jones and dare i say...epperson.

high school inventions such as The Lazy Stick -

this ingenious device allowed the user to turn the lights on and off while remaining comfortably in bed. sure, the clapper was a more successful product, but it was so "digital." it lacked the warmth that only comes with actual human-long stick-lightswitch contact.
(please notice the comfort grip, and custom signature)


college inventions such as the Intra-Apartment Security/Communications System -

(pictured here - Intra-Apartment Pay-Phone with Custom Security Gate)

workplace/recording studio inventions such as the UPSVB -



or the APD -



needless to say, my work has been prolific and wide-ranging. my motto has always been "i invent to improve the world, and hopefully make other people look ridiculous as a side benefit." (honestly, can you imagine having to call me in my room on a fake phone painted on the wall in the family room? everyone who came to visit me that year can!)

and so that brings us to today.
my love of the edge and corner brownies is well known. i realize that. so it is with great displeasure, and tremendous disappointment that i must inform you all of a great injustice that one, if not many of you have had a hand in.
most of you have been in attendance at one of my many presentations regarding the "maze pan." yes, years ago, the wheels in my enormous brain started turning - "how on earth could i end up with an entire batch of delicious, edge and corner brownies????" after all, who wants those lousy center brownies?!?! not me, and hopefully not anyone I associate with.

so how, HOW, HOW could you do this to me Christine??! why would you sell me out like this Rachel?? et tu Annee??!!!

imagine my shock and dismay when, amidst a perfectly lovely first-class Southwest Flight from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City, I came upon this in a magazine called The Skymall-


that's right. at least one of you has sold me out. it's too early to rule out a conspiracy, so until further evidence is found, you will all be considered suspects.
i am sorry to have to do this, but clearly, someone is guilty. OBVIOUSLY, there is no way this is just some coincidence. ideas like this are one in a billion, and I can't imagine that more than a billion people work for The Skymall. (i'll have to check into that)

So one of you is out there cashing huge fat checks based on my brainchild. which brings me to some dubious activity of late -

some people moving off to korea to live high on the hog. SHIPPING THEIR CARS THOUSANDS OF MILES!!!!!! buying miles and miles of fabric!! hmmm...

others jet-setting across great britain, france, greece, spain and germany with nary a care in the world!!!

still others off to the middle east. camel rides, hitting the beach at the sea of galilee like some millionaire, buying desks!

some move to live even closer to the ocean in sunny southern california, while others fly back and forth across the united states, working with big corporations and eating out often at CPK.

why, even in my own family, some spend thousands of dollars and countless hours on bead decorations, while others take time off to write a novel!

so what do we do now? how can we repair the damage done? how can we right this wrong?

reparations are in order, i think we can all agree on that. so i am requesting that the guilty party or parties, please, PLEASE, send me one of these pans immediately!!!

- scott